Monthly Archives: May 2013

And now for something completely different!

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Thanks to Ed Hooper for forwarding this story.

A child, asked to write a book report on the entire Bible, wrote:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,”The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden … Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, ”As a matter of fact, I was.”)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus . Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Category: Humor

The MCCM Front Door

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Yikes! In the last two weeks we have had calls from the Marion County Sheriff’s Department saying that the door is open and the burglar alarm is going off. In addition, several of our volunteers have reported the same problem.

The new front door seals very tightly to the door frame to provide better insulation around the door. To lock the deadbolt requires that you pull on the knob toward you while turning the key.

A good check to see if you have locked the deadbolt is to attempt to enter the building after you lock it.

Please help us avoid being the “Food Bank that hollered ‘WOLF’ once too often”.

Bonus Days in July

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The next Bonus Days event at MCCM will be Thursday July 25th. If you are available to work please plan to arrive at 9:00 a.m.

These events require a lot of volunteer help. Please consider helping in this fun and rewarding effort.

Knights of Columbus: An MCCM and Marion County Good Neighbor

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The Knights of Columbus (KofC) is a men’s service and fraternal organization of the Catholic Church founded in the late 1800’s in Connecticut by Father Michael McGivney. One of the founding principles of the organization is to “… care for the widows and orphans in their distress …” as the Letter of James(1:27) teaches.

The KofC men of Our Lady of Lourdes Church in South Pittsburg take that principle very seriously. They have been busy gathering canned goods for the food bank. To date in 2013 they have delivered over ONE TON of canned goods to the food bank.

While we’re talking about the Knights I want to remind you that the Knights sponsor a monthly fish fry on the first Friday of Every month at the church, 700 Holly Ave in South Pittsburg. Joe Esatto or Jim Gohlmann can provide you with details. Ginger and Gary will attest that these guys know how to fry fish.

Thanks Knights for being Good Neighbors (and for some really fine eating)!

Category: MCCM News Archive

"Help Stamp Out Hunger" Food Drive

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Help Stamp Out HungerThe National Association of Letter Carriers held its annual “Help Stamp Out Hunger” Food Drive on Saturday, May 11, 2013.  Scott Collier headed up the effort to contact each Postmaster and to coordinate collection of food from each of the Marion County post offices.

On May 11, Scott and Jerry Don Moss picked up 3000 pounds of non-perishable food items from the South Pittsburg post office. The letter carriers in the other post offices in the county did not participate in the food drive this year.

Thanks Scott and Jerry Don!

Category: MCCM News Archive

MCCM Facility Has a Fresh New Look

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The exterior of the MCCM building has a new coat of paint. Many thanks to Jim Gohlmann and his son John for their hard work.

Category: MCCM News Archive

MCCM Results for April 2013

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Food Bank Results

Category MCCM1
Adults 848 768
Children 382 342
Families 406 362
Boxes 586 N/A
Total Active Clients 1101 N/A
Total Inactive Clients3 627 N/A
New Clients This Month 43 N/A
Net Growth This Month 3.906% N/A

  1. MCCM Reporting reflects all client family visits to food bank during the month.
  2. Chattanooga Area Food Bank (CAFB) Reporting eliminates duplicate visits by a client family.
  3. Clients who have not received assistance in the last 12 months.

Good Neighbors Results

Families Disbursements
43 3055.91

Disbursements per Service Type

Service Type Disbursements
Electric 2811.61
Gas 169.82
Water 74.48

Disbursements per Utility Supplier

Utility Supplier Disbursements
EPB 140.00
Marion Natural Gas 169.82
SVEC 2671.61
Whitwell Water 74.48

Year-to-date Food Bank Results
Year-to-date Good Neighbors Results